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Freedom and joy-filled play allow the human spirit to unfold and to refine over time. Often around the age of 12-14 or the onset of puberty, children begin to contemplate their roles in the world. Who am I? What is my true purpose and how do I stay true to it? He may not know that is what he is asking but for the first time, he is experiencing the awareness of what it feels like to be unhappy doing the things that once brought him complete joy. This can be confusing and uncomfortable. It can present itself through a variety of behaviors: the inability to make a choice, fear of failing, fear of choosing the wrong thing, apathy about something that was previously full of joy and passion, or a withdrawn, lackadaisical attitude. For parents witnessing this in their children, they begin to feel frustration, sympathy, anger or failure.
When the spark appears to disappear, what do we do? When do we push? When do we let go?
My daughter Hannah is a musician. She has been singing and playing music since she could make sound. At 12 years old, she told me that she no longer wanted to play the piano. ‘What?!? You are a gifted musician. You LOVE playing piano. You love making music. It is part of your soul.’ I wanted to push. But instead of blurting these things out loud, I was patient and remained calm. Her father and I bantered back and forth about whether we should push her genius activity and continue the lessons or allow her quit. Quitting was not something that we supported, but after all, she had taken lessons for several years. And before that, she committed to voice lessons, and before that, to the violin. Perhaps she wasn’t quitting. Perhaps she was growing.
Hannah and I discussed the reasons she no longer wanted to play the piano. After several discussions, it turned out that what she was really feeling is that she no longer wanted to take lessons from her teacher. A few tears were shed and she told Jacob that she no longer would be taking lessons from him. At first, it was a little uncomfortable and scary, for all of us. What changed? Was she burned out? I observed. Hannah no longer was finding the joy that she once had. She clearly needed a break from one thing in order to create something else. She needed the space to explore another aspect of her being. That slight shift in routine, within a fairly short period of time, brought about new sparks of passions for writing and creating original music. I listened. Hannah began holing up in our music room and writing books of lyrics along with scores of accompanying music. A few months later, she picked up her brother’s guitar and taught herself how to play. Next, she mastered the harmonica. This growth was all taking place through her need to problem solve and her desire to make music. She needed more, different tools in order to unfold the next part of her musical passions. She trusted her environment. I let go. She was given the space to explore, which led to a sense of independence, which led to competent abilities, which lead to a sense of purpose and of success.
As parents, we struggle with when to push and when to let go. We want our children to be happy, healthy, successful, but we know that true happiness comes from a feeling of power and control over something that has been a challenge. We don’t want them to quit too early, right before a big breakthrough, but we must be sensitive to their inner timing and unfolding.
There is no magic formula, but there is a simple method of practice.
Take a P-O-L-L. Be Patient. Observe. Listen. Let go.
Be Patient. There is no way to rush true development. We can only take time to nurture its growth.
Observe changes in attitude and behavior. Is this short-term? or has it been on-going? Observe your own feelings about these changes and clear those before making assumptions.
Listen to what they are communicating and asking. Talk to them without your own expectations. Ask questions about how they are feeling and identify the cause before trying to ‘fix’ the situation.
Let go of your desired outcome. Have faith that through open communication, you can work through the challenge together and that they are searching for who they are to become.
